Fear!
Fear has many faces, it can be mentally or physically debilitating. Fear is one of the biggest obstacles us as humans face. From fear of the unknown or fear of something. Not knowing what’s there to come tomorrow and fearing for the worse. In my case fear has been my constant enemy, the rock that sometimes blocks my path and impedes me from climbing over. Fear first appeared for me back when I was a kid back in El Salvador in the long nights that I couldn't fall asleep. Hearing the night stalkers hunting and walking around outside. I had to tell myself is nothing just try to ignore it. Fear then appeared to me as a form of a spider. A spider I remember being big, harry, and had the darkest eyes I have ever seen. I had to face it head on and grabbed a broom and threw it at him. Obviously, any normal person would say why throw it, why not just squash it with the broom? Well, I was about 6 at the time and it never occurred to me. I got pass that challenge but then fear appeared to me as one of the my biggest challenge of my life. I say challenge because I still struggle with it to this day and it has been one of my toughest battles yet. My fear of losing loved ones, especially those to you that are very close to you. I was about to turn 7 when my baby brother pass away. He died 6 days before his first birthday. Wasn’t able to say happy birthday to him or let alone sing to him. My brother was born with a heart defect which challenge him for 11 months. He would have episodes where he would turn purple as he couldn’t breath. It was here where fear first really hit me in the face. He appeared and brought anxiety along side him and began there attacks. Seeing how he struggled brought on a fear that I would one day loose him. This challenge was specifically challenging because I wasn’t able to fight back against it. How do you stop death? To this day we still don’t have an answer and I don’t believe we will ever will know. Is one of those things that we know is coming, the question is when will it arrived. Is death just fear in disguise? is that why we angrily wait for that day to come. We fear that we can’t do anything to stop it.
My brothers death was hard to overcome is one of my biggest fears come to life, at first it takes a bit to sink in and once it does a slew of emotions come rushing in. One of the biggest fights you will ever have in your life is fighting death. When is around you is very scary makes you wonder and realize how small we really are in this world. I fought for many weeks trying to overcome all the emotions thinking what could I have done differently to try to prevent this. The fight eventually calms down though, when you finally tell yourself life goes on move on but never forget. Its here when the fighting subsides and life continues, everything seems to restart and you wake up living in there memory hoping to one day share there story. Fear had won the first round but I got right back up and kept fighting. Life is like a boxing match, you will take a couple punches and those punches will knock you down. We just have to remember that we still have 10 seconds to get up and continue that fight. There will be a day when you will loose that fight for sure but live life knowing that when is over you got up and kept fighting, fighting to see another day. When that day comes you may loose the fight but you will gain fears respect and it will disappear, so you can’t fear no more.
After this round I could feel fear winning and was determined to turn the tide against fear. My sister was born which gave me the advantage. I had a helping hand, a partner in crime some will say always ready to face what’s ahead. Fear then appeared out of nowhere and split us apart. I didn’t see my sister for 15 years as by the time she was 1 I was already here in the U.S. I was back to facing fear on my own so I knew I had a tough fight ahead of me. Fear appeared to me again on my first day of school here in the U.S. Is scary for a kid that’s just 7 or 8 to come to a foreign country where they don’t speak your language. Your mannerism are different and you dress differently it can scare anyone. Sure, you tell yourself “everything will be alright” but is it really. A ton of questions go through your head “what are people going to think of me?'“ “Why am I here?” “How will I communicate?” you even start to wonder why you came here and what your purpose is here. The fear that comes with that first day is immense, these punches while they do hurt, there are ways you can counter. Having a positive mindset is the first right hook, being alert is the second left hook, being assertive is the uppercut that wins you the round. Now thats not as easy as it sounds but trust me when you land one blow you will start turning the fight around in your favor, all it takes is landing that first punch. Confidence builds and the fight continue, but you must remember to always keep your guard up because fear can strike at any second and when it does remember that it will hurt.
As the next round was about to begin the scary side of fear reveal themself again. My grandma who was my only grandma alive got very sick and was gone within a blink of an eye. This round I was a bit older and understood a bit more what I needed to do in order to get through this round but this side of fear is very scary. You can say you are prepared for what ever is thrown your way, but when that moment comes you really don’t know how to counter. It’s like you're temporarily stunned and thrown off balance. You try to fight back but when someone so close to you is gone all you can do really is surrender a take the punches as they come. It may seem like there’s no end but I promise you if you keep trying to fight back you will eventually land a punch. My grandma was my everything and I miss her everyday but I take her spirit with me always never leave home without her by my side. I said to myself “I have two guardian angels now” and kept on fighting to get back in it. Eventually that first punch landed and felt great so I raised my hands higher and kept fighting. That round left me with a lot of pain for sure but things always have a way of working themself out.
When the next round came around, I started it with some great news. After, 15 years of being apart my sister and I reunited. What a great boost for morality I was ready to begin reconnecting with her and planning out our fight together. However, being separated that long certainly drives a big wedge between two completely different individuals. It’s definitely a learning curve getting to know someone you haven’t seen in so many years you feel like strangers to each other. Fear isn’t going to stop coming after you and will try to hit you weather you’re ready or not. This is when fear struck me once again caught me a bit blind sighted. I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, new emotions I never felt before showed themself. I felt like all my hopes and dreams were gone, it had me thinking that my life wasn’t going to be the same anymore. My future seem grim, that’s when I felt hopelessness something which I had never felt before. I always been a very positive individual and try to look at the bright side to each situation but this time around I felt defeated. It was a mental hurdle I had to overcome, thankfully I had a great team behind me. A lot of people showed up on my corner and gave me the motivation I needed to get back up and keep fighting. The fight had to keep going, I just had to remember to keep my head up.
That led me to the next round of my life where fear tried to get the best of me. This round I was prepared and determined to win it, I told myself “keep going” many times. To start the round I was dealt a big blow as all my emotions I had put to the side appeared again. They were trying to take my attention away but this time around I knew how to counter. Over the years I had struggle finding my passion. Since I was a kid I have loved art so much and was super upset that I could never learn how to draw. However, as my mind matured my concept of what art is changed. One day as I was strolling through YouTube I ran into a video by Peter McKinnon called The bucket Shot. If you have never seen this video please take the time and go and watch it. All the words in that video that he said when describing his life and photography inspired me. It had such a profound look at what photography was and I remember telling myself this form of art is beautiful. I can relate so much to this video and from that point on I told myself get your own bucket shot. I started heavily studying, teaching myself techniques and learning my camera thoroughly, finding what works for me and what doesn’t. I was so busy with this that I didn’t see the punch coming. My aunt who was very close to me got very sick a week after talking to her and without knowing it will be the last time I would hear her voice.
I started to tackle on her final wishes and trust me I did. One of her biggest wishes was that I would forgive my father for his mistakes. She said I can’t live my life in peace with a heart full of hate. She told me that once I forgive and continue on life will get much brighter for me. I did just that I call my dad and had a conversation with him. I told him about the man I have become and that even after all the pain he caused I was ready to forgive him. It was his choice to lose that contact with me this time around but it didn’t affect me as I said what I needed to and I am content with that. It was this words from my aunt that helped me get the advantage in this round. Even when I started photography I still had my doubts but slowly with hard work and determination I have manage to turn the fight around. I have fought a lot and I am quite tired but I know I have to keep going and keep my guard up. I know that one day I will get a knock down , I know that day will happen when I get my bucket shot.
My photography is my number one weapon against fear, it has given me the advantage I desperately need it. When I am having a bad day I know If I pull out my camera and snap that photo I am making a memory in time. I know one day my fear will become true but I want to leave my mark in the world. That has been my fight so far, I can feel I won this round and getting ready for what’s coming. Who knows how many rounds my life will have but I know now that I have weapons to help me on my fight. Fear will continue to try to knock me down but I gotta keep fighting back, one day I will gain its respect.
